{"id":2573,"date":"2025-10-15T09:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-10-15T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/?p=2573"},"modified":"2025-10-14T17:05:08","modified_gmt":"2025-10-14T21:05:08","slug":"dear-cordia-an-imaginary-gardens-advice-column-the-iliad-of-intolerance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/2025\/10\/15\/dear-cordia-an-imaginary-gardens-advice-column-the-iliad-of-intolerance\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: The Iliad of Intolerance"},"content":{"rendered":"
This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Dear Cordia<\/a><\/div>\n
By Cordia the Pantheress, Special to the Journal<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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\u201cIf the broad light of day could be let in upon men’s actions, it would purify them as the sun disinfects.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Louis D. Brandeis, former U.S. Supreme Court Justice<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

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Trigger Warning: Domestic <\/strong>Violence<\/strong><\/span> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This article discusses themes of domestic violence and abuse<\/strong>, which may be distressing for some readers. Please take care while reading and step away if needed. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month<\/strong>, a time to honor survivors, raise awareness, and work toward ending relationship abuse in all its forms. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. In the U.S., you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/strong> at 1-800-799-7233<\/strong>, text START<\/strong> to 88788<\/strong>, or visit thehotline.org<\/a> for confidential support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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\"CruiseLine\"
The wake of the ship passes along. | Kate Sackett Kelly<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Navigating family relationships while dating\/engaged\/married can be quite the challenge. My father often told me that when you date one person, you really date their whole family. Ain\u2019t that the truth in this story\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last year, one of my good friends, whom we will call Candence, went on a family vacation cruise with her boyfriend, whom we will call Earl. Earl was notoriously quick to anger, and his mother was demanding, controlling, and manipulative; we\u2019ll call her Rosemary. Candence and Earl had been dating for almost two years, so Candence was aware of these characteristics as she ventured on this vacation for the first time with Earl\u2019s parents and grandparents. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first day went by without a hiccup. Earl\u2019s whole family, plus Candence, had a nice dinner with fantastic views. The evening of the second day is where the real story starts. Sitting at dinner, Rosemary began a highly heated and controversial conversation regarding Candence\u2019s health care choices and the medical care of Candence\u2019s recently deceased family member in front of, yes, the whole family and neighboring tables. Silence and discretion were definitely not Rosemary\u2019s forte. Candence tried her best to defend her needs, but Rosemary completely disregarded her feelings. Earl stepped in, telling Rosemary that she can not speak to his girlfriend that way, which caused a reaction from Earl\u2019s father that resulted in unnecessarily stern words that set the tone for the rest of the trip. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By dinner on day three, everyone was on edge with each other. While waiting on a table in the dining room, Rosemary cruelly commented on the shoes Earl was wearing to dinner saying they were not formal enough for dinner; as Earl quietly walked away to change, Candence told Rosemary that, after the previous argument, Earl was feeling hurt and it would be best if they all spoke to each other kindly for the evening. Rosemary blew up, screaming at Candence and telling her that she had no place talking to her like that. Rosemary stormed off and refused to show up to dinner that night. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the rest of the week, Candence avoided Rosemary, along with the conflict that seemed to arise whenever she was around. One of Candence\u2019s family friends had warned her months before the trip that good never seemed to follow Earl or his mother, but Candence had never experienced Rosemary at this volume and with this much hostility. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

On day six, Earl and Candence explored the city with Earl\u2019s parents. Candence thought things would be better as she gazed upon the city, until Rosemary approached Candence, ready to fire. Rosemary slyly began a conversation about history and religion, comparing how two totally different religions were the same thing, disrespecting Candence’s religion in the process. When Candence disagreed, Rosemary lost her mind, pointing in Candence’s face, yelling at her and telling her she was wrong and needed to go back to school. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not wanting to contribute to the argument, Cadence walked away, letting Rosemary win the \u201cbattle.\u201d Candence was hurt. Both parties knew they had religious differences, but never would Candence think Rosemary would be so vicious as to use her deeply rooted religion as a way of making her feel worthless and stupid. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That same night at dinner, Candence was already feeling sick when Earl\u2019s grandmother sat down to eat next to her. She began to whisper in Candence\u2019s ear, saying that it was okay for us to have different religious opinions, but it’s not okay for Candence to tell someone that their religion holds no meaning. Candence stopped and stared at Earl\u2019s grandmother, confused but equally aware of what had happened. Rosemary had gone and told her mother that Candence came after her and her religion out of nowhere. Right as Candence was about to speak, Rosemary began shouting. She screamed at Candence and Earl\u2019s grandmother, Rosemary\u2019s own mother, saying that she hates them both, that she wished Candence had never existed, and that Candence \u201ccould go to hell and everyone’s lives would be better.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without responding, Candence sprinted out of the restaurant in search of a safe place. When she reached the doors, she realized she had no way of getting into her room; Earl was the only one with the key. She found the next best thing, the public bathroom. Feeling nauseous and being thousands of miles from home, Candence felt stuck. She sank to the floor and the tears flooded; she felt utterly defeated, wanting to be away from her boyfriend’s mom but mostly wanting her own mom. She spent over thirty minutes on that bathroom floor, not knowing what to do, debating whether she should call her parents. She didn\u2019t want to worry them, but the last thing she wanted was to spend one more minute with Earl\u2019s family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, Earl texted. Candence paused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cWhere are you?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Candence: \u201cI am in a random bathroom somewhere\u2026\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cGet to our room.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em>Candence: \u201c…I don\u2019t feel safe right now.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cCandence\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cYou have five minutes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em> <\/em>Candence: \u201cI want my mom.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em>Earl: \u201cFive minutes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em> <\/em>Candence: \u201cWhy do I have 5 minutes?\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em>Earl: \u201cDon\u2019t ask questions.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/em>Earl \u201cBe up here in five.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl, like his father, had a history of violence. Candence was terrified when she read these texts. Earl never successfully hurt her physically, but he tended to get very verbally abusive, to the point where Candence became a \u201cyes-girl\u201d to avoid the conflict. Candence picked herself up off the floor, wiped away her tears, and bravely walked to their room. Earl was waiting by the bed, fuming. It had almost been an hour since the argument at dinner had gone down. Candence sat down, awaiting her scolding. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl yelled, \u201cWhat do you think just happened? Do you know what you did?\u201d Unable to hold it in, Candence began crying again. Earl continued telling Candence that after she left, his family got into the biggest argument they had ever had, and it was all because of her. Candence ran to the bathroom, throwing up, as Earl watched her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Candence was scared; scared of Earl, scared of his family, scared that everyone hated her, but mostly scared that she wouldn\u2019t make it back home safe and in one piece. Walking outside, Candence looked out the balcony of their room, thinking about her next steps very carefully as Earl explained what happened after she left. Earl believed that Rosemary would make him break up with Candence over this, a thought Candence already had earlier. Earl told her that the whole restaurant was in shock at the commotion and that Earl and his grandparents were not on speaking terms with Earl’s parents, aunt, and uncle, who all took Rosemary\u2019s side. With Candence sick and neither of them knowing what was going to happen the following day, they decided to just sleep on it and skip the excursions of the next day. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next morning, Candence and Earl woke up to separate text messages from Earl\u2019s grandmother, apologizing for causing a scene. It obviously wasn\u2019t her fault, but this somehow made the whole issue disappear overnight. Candence, to this day, doesn\u2019t exactly know what truly went on behind the scenes that night but, with a hopeful attitude, they decided to go out and explore the planned excursion with Earl\u2019s parents and grandparents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everything seemed totally fine, like it had never happened. Candence had an eerie feeling about it all, but keeping the peace was her top priority. That night, they packed their things in preparation for the trip home. They had a nice, long, quiet flight back and got home around midnight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fast forward a month and a half, and Candence had heard nothing but silence from Earl. She had called, texted, and even come to his house to grab a few of her things that got mixed up on the trip home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she came to his house, he was nowhere to be found. After around 40 days since their arrival home, he finally answered her call, responding with an aggressive \u201cWhat?!\u201d Candence, in disbelief, told Earl, \u201cYou tell me what.\u201d Then Earl hung up. The next time Candence heard from Earl was around a week and a half later, when he responded to her messages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"SnowyWoods\"
Snow falls peacefully into the trees. | Kate Sackett Kelly<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cDon\u2019t worry about it.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201c I\u2019d rather not be a burden.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cBye.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Candence: \u201cJust tell me what has been going on.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The conversation sporadically continued until Earl stopped responding. Days of silence went by before Candence laid it out and told him she was feeling done. Between the vacation and Earl\u2019s lack of communication, Candence felt used and ashamed of the relationship. Later that day, Earl responded and said that he can\u2019t do it anymore and that Candence should go ahead and drop him. Just as Candence thought the nightmare was over, Earl continued texting with toxic and manipulative messages, telling Candence that he wanted to be friends or that if they got back together, he would do things for her, or that it sucked that Candence lived so far away (30 minutes) and that he wanted to see her, and then telling her, \u201cOkay then, bye\u2026 Don\u2019t worry about me\u2026 Thanks for everything.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This back and forth continued until right before Christmas, when Candence told Earl that she wanted space and that if Earl still wanted the relationship after the holidays he could call or text her to tell her that. A month later, Earl texted. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cI gave you your time.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cBye.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Earl: \u201cIf you want to talk this out in person, then set a time and a place, but I have priorities and a life I have to live and, unfortunately for you, I can\u2019t be playing these games of ‘Who comes up with the date idea, ‘ or ‘Who loves the other more.\u2019 I have self-value, and respect, and I\u2019m not letting anybody hurt that again.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Candence, totally baffled by the audacity of his message, finally had her answer. Earl texted her a few times after this asking for his hoodie back, which Candence eventually just mailed to him. Candence hasn\u2019t heard from Earl since. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I chatted with Candence about her nightmare of a story, I could tell the pain was still buried in her chest and it lingered on her skin. It was obvious that this situation cut deeper than the surface level. Earl and his family caused Candence months worth of shame and hurt that will forever affect Candence\u2019s views on relationships, but being able to talk about it lifted the weight of shame off of Candence\u2019s chest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lesson Candence learned is that some things shouldn\u2019t stay in the dark. People have connected with Candence over this story, and I believe it will continue to help people realize that no relationship is worth their mental and physical health. Like the former U.S. Supreme Court Justice, Louis D. Brandeis, said, \u201cIf the broad light of day could be let in upon men’s actions, it would purify them as the sun disinfects.\u201d Candence will probably never understand why Rosemary acted the way she did or why Earl treated her so horribly, but the truth will shine in the light of day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Have you experienced something like Candence\u2019s story, love tangled with family tension, control, or emotional hurt? You\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have a story to share, don\u2019t be afraid to speak out. Together, we can bring these moments into the light, because healing starts with honesty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Disclaimer:<\/strong> Shame, hurt, and fear are huge, powerful emotions. Getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services<\/strong> at counseling@pstcc.edu <\/strong>or call 865.694.6480 <\/strong>for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline <\/strong>at 988<\/strong> to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police<\/strong> at 865.694.6649,<\/strong> available 24\/7. As a reminder, campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text \u201cPSCCTIPS\u201d<\/strong> to 67283<\/strong> for an Anonymous Safety Tip<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Love,<\/em><\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Cordia Paxson <\/em><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

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This entry is part 2 of 5 in the series Dear Cordia<\/a><\/div>

By Cordia the Pantheress, Special to the Journal \u201cIf the broad light of day could be let in upon men’s actions, it would purify them as the sun disinfects.\u201d Louis…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2798,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_EventAllDay":false,"_EventTimezone":"","_EventStartDate":"","_EventEndDate":"","_EventStartDateUTC":"","_EventEndDateUTC":"","_EventShowMap":false,"_EventShowMapLink":false,"_EventURL":"","_EventCost":"","_EventCostDescription":"","_EventCurrencySymbol":"","_EventCurrencyCode":"","_EventCurrencyPosition":"","_EventDateTimeSeparator":"","_EventTimeRangeSeparator":"","_EventOrganizerID":[],"_EventVenueID":[],"_OrganizerEmail":"","_OrganizerPhone":"","_OrganizerWebsite":"","_VenueAddress":"","_VenueCity":"","_VenueCountry":"","_VenueProvince":"","_VenueState":"","_VenueZip":"","_VenuePhone":"","_VenueURL":"","_VenueStateProvince":"","_VenueLat":"","_VenueLng":"","_VenueShowMap":false,"_VenueShowMapLink":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,9],"tags":[],"series":[46],"class_list":["post-2573","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle-social","category-opinion","series-ask-cordia"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2573","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2573"}],"version-history":[{"count":13,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2573\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2807,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2573\/revisions\/2807"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2798"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2573"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2573"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2573"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.imaginarygardens.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=2573"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}