- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: R. E. S. P. E. C. T.
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: The Iliad of Intolerance
By Cordia the Pantheress, Special to the Journal
“If the broad light of day could be let in upon men’s actions, it would purify them as the sun disinfects.”
Louis D. Brandeis, former U.S. Supreme Court Justice
Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence
This article discusses themes of domestic violence and abuse, which may be distressing for some readers. Please take care while reading and step away if needed. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to honor survivors, raise awareness, and work toward ending relationship abuse in all its forms. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. In the U.S., you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org for confidential support.
Navigating family relationships while dating/engaged/married can be quite the challenge. My father often told me that when you date one person, you really date their whole family. Ain’t that the truth in this story…
Last year, one of my good friends, whom we will call Candence, went on a family vacation cruise with her boyfriend, whom we will call Earl. Earl was notoriously quick to anger, and his mother was demanding, controlling, and manipulative; we’ll call her Rosemary. Candence and Earl had been dating for almost two years, so Candence was aware of these characteristics as she ventured on this vacation for the first time with Earl’s parents and grandparents.
The first day went by without a hiccup. Earl’s whole family, plus Candence, had a nice dinner with fantastic views. The evening of the second day is where the real story starts. Sitting at dinner, Rosemary began a highly heated and controversial conversation regarding Candence’s health care choices and the medical care of Candence’s recently deceased family member in front of, yes, the whole family and neighboring tables. Silence and discretion were definitely not Rosemary’s forte. Candence tried her best to defend her needs, but Rosemary completely disregarded her feelings. Earl stepped in, telling Rosemary that she can not speak to his girlfriend that way, which caused a reaction from Earl’s father that resulted in unnecessarily stern words that set the tone for the rest of the trip.
By dinner on day three, everyone was on edge with each other. While waiting on a table in the dining room, Rosemary cruelly commented on the shoes Earl was wearing to dinner saying they were not formal enough for dinner; as Earl quietly walked away to change, Candence told Rosemary that, after the previous argument, Earl was feeling hurt and it would be best if they all spoke to each other kindly for the evening. Rosemary blew up, screaming at Candence and telling her that she had no place talking to her like that. Rosemary stormed off and refused to show up to dinner that night.
For the rest of the week, Candence avoided Rosemary, along with the conflict that seemed to arise whenever she was around. One of Candence’s family friends had warned her months before the trip that good never seemed to follow Earl or his mother, but Candence had never experienced Rosemary at this volume and with this much hostility.
On day six, Earl and Candence explored the city with Earl’s parents. Candence thought things would be better as she gazed upon the city, until Rosemary approached Candence, ready to fire. Rosemary slyly began a conversation about history and religion, comparing how two totally different religions were the same thing, disrespecting Candence’s religion in the process. When Candence disagreed, Rosemary lost her mind, pointing in Candence’s face, yelling at her and telling her she was wrong and needed to go back to school.
Not wanting to contribute to the argument, Cadence walked away, letting Rosemary win the “battle.” Candence was hurt. Both parties knew they had religious differences, but never would Candence think Rosemary would be so vicious as to use her deeply rooted religion as a way of making her feel worthless and stupid.
That same night at dinner, Candence was already feeling sick when Earl’s grandmother sat down to eat next to her. She began to whisper in Candence’s ear, saying that it was okay for us to have different religious opinions, but it’s not okay for Candence to tell someone that their religion holds no meaning. Candence stopped and stared at Earl’s grandmother, confused but equally aware of what had happened. Rosemary had gone and told her mother that Candence came after her and her religion out of nowhere. Right as Candence was about to speak, Rosemary began shouting. She screamed at Candence and Earl’s grandmother, Rosemary’s own mother, saying that she hates them both, that she wished Candence had never existed, and that Candence “could go to hell and everyone’s lives would be better.”
Without responding, Candence sprinted out of the restaurant in search of a safe place. When she reached the doors, she realized she had no way of getting into her room; Earl was the only one with the key. She found the next best thing, the public bathroom. Feeling nauseous and being thousands of miles from home, Candence felt stuck. She sank to the floor and the tears flooded; she felt utterly defeated, wanting to be away from her boyfriend’s mom but mostly wanting her own mom. She spent over thirty minutes on that bathroom floor, not knowing what to do, debating whether she should call her parents. She didn’t want to worry them, but the last thing she wanted was to spend one more minute with Earl’s family.
Then, Earl texted. Candence paused.
Earl: “Where are you?”
Candence: “I am in a random bathroom somewhere…”
Earl: “Get to our room.”
Candence: “…I don’t feel safe right now.”
Earl: “Candence”
Earl: “You have five minutes.”
Candence: “I want my mom.”
Earl: “Five minutes.”
Candence: “Why do I have 5 minutes?”
Earl: “Don’t ask questions.”
Earl “Be up here in five.”
Earl, like his father, had a history of violence. Candence was terrified when she read these texts. Earl never successfully hurt her physically, but he tended to get very verbally abusive, to the point where Candence became a “yes-girl” to avoid the conflict. Candence picked herself up off the floor, wiped away her tears, and bravely walked to their room. Earl was waiting by the bed, fuming. It had almost been an hour since the argument at dinner had gone down. Candence sat down, awaiting her scolding.
Earl yelled, “What do you think just happened? Do you know what you did?” Unable to hold it in, Candence began crying again. Earl continued telling Candence that after she left, his family got into the biggest argument they had ever had, and it was all because of her. Candence ran to the bathroom, throwing up, as Earl watched her.
Candence was scared; scared of Earl, scared of his family, scared that everyone hated her, but mostly scared that she wouldn’t make it back home safe and in one piece. Walking outside, Candence looked out the balcony of their room, thinking about her next steps very carefully as Earl explained what happened after she left. Earl believed that Rosemary would make him break up with Candence over this, a thought Candence already had earlier. Earl told her that the whole restaurant was in shock at the commotion and that Earl and his grandparents were not on speaking terms with Earl’s parents, aunt, and uncle, who all took Rosemary’s side. With Candence sick and neither of them knowing what was going to happen the following day, they decided to just sleep on it and skip the excursions of the next day.
The next morning, Candence and Earl woke up to separate text messages from Earl’s grandmother, apologizing for causing a scene. It obviously wasn’t her fault, but this somehow made the whole issue disappear overnight. Candence, to this day, doesn’t exactly know what truly went on behind the scenes that night but, with a hopeful attitude, they decided to go out and explore the planned excursion with Earl’s parents and grandparents.
Everything seemed totally fine, like it had never happened. Candence had an eerie feeling about it all, but keeping the peace was her top priority. That night, they packed their things in preparation for the trip home. They had a nice, long, quiet flight back and got home around midnight.
Fast forward a month and a half, and Candence had heard nothing but silence from Earl. She had called, texted, and even come to his house to grab a few of her things that got mixed up on the trip home.
When she came to his house, he was nowhere to be found. After around 40 days since their arrival home, he finally answered her call, responding with an aggressive “What?!” Candence, in disbelief, told Earl, “You tell me what.” Then Earl hung up. The next time Candence heard from Earl was around a week and a half later, when he responded to her messages.
Earl: “Don’t worry about it.”
Earl: “ I’d rather not be a burden.”
Earl: “Bye.”
Candence: “Just tell me what has been going on.”
The conversation sporadically continued until Earl stopped responding. Days of silence went by before Candence laid it out and told him she was feeling done. Between the vacation and Earl’s lack of communication, Candence felt used and ashamed of the relationship. Later that day, Earl responded and said that he can’t do it anymore and that Candence should go ahead and drop him. Just as Candence thought the nightmare was over, Earl continued texting with toxic and manipulative messages, telling Candence that he wanted to be friends or that if they got back together, he would do things for her, or that it sucked that Candence lived so far away (30 minutes) and that he wanted to see her, and then telling her, “Okay then, bye… Don’t worry about me… Thanks for everything.”
This back and forth continued until right before Christmas, when Candence told Earl that she wanted space and that if Earl still wanted the relationship after the holidays he could call or text her to tell her that. A month later, Earl texted.
Earl: “I gave you your time.”
Earl: “Bye.”
Earl: “If you want to talk this out in person, then set a time and a place, but I have priorities and a life I have to live and, unfortunately for you, I can’t be playing these games of ‘Who comes up with the date idea, ‘ or ‘Who loves the other more.’ I have self-value, and respect, and I’m not letting anybody hurt that again.”
Candence, totally baffled by the audacity of his message, finally had her answer. Earl texted her a few times after this asking for his hoodie back, which Candence eventually just mailed to him. Candence hasn’t heard from Earl since.
When I chatted with Candence about her nightmare of a story, I could tell the pain was still buried in her chest and it lingered on her skin. It was obvious that this situation cut deeper than the surface level. Earl and his family caused Candence months worth of shame and hurt that will forever affect Candence’s views on relationships, but being able to talk about it lifted the weight of shame off of Candence’s chest.
The lesson Candence learned is that some things shouldn’t stay in the dark. People have connected with Candence over this story, and I believe it will continue to help people realize that no relationship is worth their mental and physical health. Like the former U.S. Supreme Court Justice, Louis D. Brandeis, said, “If the broad light of day could be let in upon men’s actions, it would purify them as the sun disinfects.” Candence will probably never understand why Rosemary acted the way she did or why Earl treated her so horribly, but the truth will shine in the light of day.
Have you experienced something like Candence’s story, love tangled with family tension, control, or emotional hurt? You’re not alone.
If you have a story to share, don’t be afraid to speak out. Together, we can bring these moments into the light, because healing starts with honesty.
Disclaimer: Shame, hurt, and fear are huge, powerful emotions. Getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services at counseling@pstcc.edu or call 865.694.6480 for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police at 865.694.6649, available 24/7. As a reminder, campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text “PSCCTIPS” to 67283 for an Anonymous Safety Tip.
