Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: No Place Like Home for the Holidays?

By Cordia Paxon

I had a friend who would come home every holiday to a family full of haters who constantly bombarded her with questions like “Are you still single?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, and statements like “You know it’s a holiday when your sister shows up alone.” Does this story sound familiar? Well, it’s probably because it’s the plot to Holidate, a Netflix movie released in 2020. 

But seriously, if you feel yourself connecting to Sloane in Holidate or Kate in Four Christmases, well, this is the article for you. Like many others, I have also struggled with graduating from the singles table and fighting off family members who refuse to be accepting of my life, especially during the holidays; it never seems like anything is good enough. I’m too single, too career/school focused, I’m not career/school focused enough, I don’t have any kids yet, I have too many kids and need to relax more, the list goes on and on and on and on. It begs the question, how do you deal with people you love but are not deserving of your respect? 

I did some fieldwork and collected the best responses, from courteous, comedic, to cheeky, for dealing with these galling kinfolk, so you can enjoy your holiday armed with the best comebacks. 

The Repugnant Relationship Rulers 

This special breed of kin often disguises itself as relatives, like the aunt, uncle, grandparent, or cousin. Their favorite form of attack often comes in the form of questions about said relationship status. 

Question: “So, are you seeing anyone yet?” 

Answer: 

• Courteous: “Not right now, but I’m focusing on things that make me happy.”
• Comedic: “Yeah, my bed and I are very committed.”
• Cheeky: “Why? Are you taking applications on my behalf?”

Question: “Still single?”

Answer: 

• Courteous: “Yes, and I’m really comfortable with where I’m at.”
• Comedic: “Yep, I renewed my subscription.”
• Cheeky: “Still asking intrusive questions?” 

Question: “Aren’t you worried about ending up alone?”

Answer: 

• Courteous: “Being alone isn’t scary to me, but being in the wrong relationship is. So, no. I trust my path.”
• Comedic: “Alone? I prefer the term independently thriving.”
• Cheeky: “I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person. Some people can’t say the same.”

Question: “Maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet?”

Answer: 

• Courteous: “That’s possible, but I’m focused on myself right now.”
• Comedic: “That’s usually how it works, yes.”
• Cheeky: “If being with ‘someone’ was the goal, I could’ve done that ages ago.”

The Maddening Marriage Manipulators 

This rare breed is often described as the parents of the victim and usually don’t ask questions (unless they are wildly inappropriate), but make statements that leave the victim paralyzed, bleeding out at the dinner table. 

Question: “Your cousin just got married. When is it your turn?” or “Even they found someone! What’s your excuse?”

Answer: 

• Courteous: “We’re on different timelines, and that’s okay.”
• Comedic: “I guess their bar was lower than mine!”
• Cheeky: “Well, someone had to stay available to answer your dumb questions.”

Statement:  “You’re at the age where you should be settling down.”

Answer: 

• Courteous: “I appreciate the concern, but I’m settling down when it feels right, not when it looks right.”
• Comedic: “If settling down was the goal, someone should’ve told my dating pool.”
• Cheeky: “I’m not in the habit of making life decisions to entertain family members.”

Statement:  “Your biological clock is ticking.” or “You aren’t getting any younger.” 

Answer: 

• Courteous: “I appreciate the concern, but I’m not rushing a major life decision.”
• Comedic: “Amazing how that happens to everyone, huh?”
• Cheeky: “My age isn’t the issue. Your obsession with my reproductive organs is.”

Statement: “All my friends are grandparents, don’t make me the last!”

Answer: 

• Courteous: “I understand you’d love to be a grandparent, but I can’t make decisions based on other people’s timelines.”
• Comedic: “Being last builds suspense. I’m doing you a favor.”
• Cheeky: “I’m not having children to compete with your friends.”

These questions may seem harmless to your family members, but the assumptions and judgments people make about us, like “Maybe if you dressed up more…” or “You focus too much on your career,” can cause long-term harm to both your relationship with your family and your relationship with yourself. Even though shutting a conversation down with a loved one could be hard, it is often worth it if you find yourself leaving family gatherings feeling empty instead of full of love and support. 

The Topic Terminators

The best way to arm yourself over the holidays is with these five simple phrases that can be used for any conversation you’re not comfortable continuing forward with. 

• “That’s not something I’m discussing right now.”
• “I need you to trust me with my own life decisions.”
• “I know you care, but this subject is closed.”
• “Please stop bringing this up. It’s not respectful of my boundaries.”
• “My timeline is mine—not up for negotiation.”
  

Keep in mind that the correct response is always the kindest. The holidays can be a hard time for everyone, and we often never know if our friends and family are going through something until it is too late. Family members also make mistakes, so the cheeky response should only be reserved for repeat offenders. Everyone needs a little grace…and I mean, “tis the season” for it, right? 

Love,

Cordia Paxson 

Disclaimer: Words hurt. Getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services at counseling@pstcc.edu or call 865.694.6480 for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police at 865.694.6649, available 24/7. As a reminder, campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text “PSCCTIPS” to 67283 for an Anonymous Safety Tip.

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