Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: The Twisted Game of Red Light Green Light

By Cordia Paxson, The Pantheress

Seeing relationship flags is like speeding through a Christmas light show, or playing a horrible, twisted game of “Red Light, Green Light” led by the most annoying person who leaves no breath in between orders. I don’t know about you, but relationships these days often have my head spinning with all these flashing flags and starts and stops. I often find myself torn between giving a person grace for their red flags versus acknowledging the behavior and leaving the relationship. So, what are red and green flags? How do you tell the difference? How do you deal with red flags once exposed? 

Well, lucky for you, you came to the right place (wink). 

In friendships, family relationships, workplace relationships, and, most commonly, in romantic relationships, it is common to experience some of these red and green flags. It is important to remember that you are ultimately the judge of how your relationships make you feel; however, we should never excuse people for making us feel uncomfortable or “icky” in any way.  So, how do you tell? 

Well, first, there is a difference between butterflies and anxiety. It is a common misconception that “butterflies in your stomach” are a good thing when they can actually be a sign of anxiety. The person you love should make you feel relaxed yet excited, not anxious. Remember that your body usually recognizes bad situations and anxiety before your brain and heart do, so look out for signs like heart palpitations, headaches, trembling, diarrhea (gross, I know, I’m sorry), restlessness, irritability, and difficulty concentrating.

You can also recognize red and green flags from simply witnessing other people’s relationships. Sometimes the best way of learning is by trial and error and, luckily for you, you can do that by observation. Another great way of noticing flags in people is by listening to what your friends or family think about your partner. Also, be honest with yourself about whether you like or don’t like hanging out with them. If you don’t, then what is even the point? Regardless of the relationship type, you will want to spend time with someone who is a green flag and, more often than not, your friends and family will want to, as well. 

When all else fails, rely on the tried-and-true pros and cons list. If your con/red flag list is longer than your pro/green flag list, well, I hate to break it to you, but I think you need to get out of that relationship. 

With the help of Santa’s Elves (aka the student body), we have combined a list of some common and some not-so-common red and green flags for your enjoyment, observation, and to help with your pros and cons list selection. 

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The Red Flags (cue scary 80s synth music) 

The Common Ones:

• People who don’t say “please” and “thank you” or are rude to waiters/customer service workers. 
• People who have no ambition or, on the flip side, love to tell you how smart they are.
• People who can’t admit when they are wrong or don’t ask questions.
• If you feel uncomfortable with the person meeting your friends or family, or if your loved ones don’t like them. “[Friends and family] are the people who know you better than anyone, so it’s not a good sign if they are actively rooting against someone.” – Anonymous Student 
• People who have no hobbies.
• Men who tell you they are super masculine or religiously listen to Andrew Tate…ew. 
• People with fragile masculinity or uptight gender roles. “Oh, so they won’t wear pink because they are a guy?! What are you five? Oh, so you can’t open a door because you’re a girl? Go get your hands dirty.” -Anonymous Student
• People who are overly consuming and protective and/or doesn’t let you say, wear, or do things that you want.
• People who don’t listen when you are uncomfortable. 
• People who have no boundaries. 
• People who don’t talk to anyone but you or have no friends.
• People who don’t take care of themselves.
• People who are always emotionally unstable. 
• People who can’t keep their eyes to themselves. 
• People who are always going under the influence to “get away” from their emotions. 
• People with poor hygiene. “If you’re going to try and be in a relationship, you first have to do the minimum of taking care of yourself.” – Anonymous Student
• People who don’t know what they want with their lives. “If you don’t have a plan and aren’t set on a goal [in your life], in a relationship, you’re just going to leech off of another person and it’s doomed to fail from there.” – Anonymous Student

The Not-So-Common Ones

• People who have Rod Wave or Falling in Reverse on their list of favorite artists. Why? “They are moody all the time, have a ‘woe is me’ complex and complain about drama while they usually are the drama.” – Anonymous Student 
• People who are five years (or more) older than you. Why? “This applies more to anyone under 25, but if someone cannot find a partner their own age, it’s probably because of them failing to meet standards from women their own age” – Anonymous Student 
• Men who post selfies with songs attached to them, or if their profile picture is of them shirtless. Why? “Like, why are you so obsessed with yourself?!” – Anonymous Student 
• People who are apathetic. Why? “When people choose not to care, it can quickly become a cycle/a way to avoid dealing with issues… if you care deeply about certain things and your crush doesn’t and/or won’t make any attempt to, that’s a big red flag for me.” – Anonymous Student
• People who drive Cybertrucks. Honestly, no explanation needed. 
• People who listen to AI music. Why? Seriously man? 
• People that your dog does not like/if your dog doesn’t like their dog. Why? “In the relationships I’ve seen, the dogs have proven an extremely effective litmus test.” – Anonymous Student
• Men who play League of Legends. Why? Sorry dude. It’s just the way it is. 
• People who keep hitting on you even after you tell them you are still in high school. Why? Uhhhh. 

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The Green Flags (cue “So This is Love” by Ilene Woods and Mike Douglas) 

“It’s sad that green flags are respect and kindness when those should be basic human decency, but that’s the world we live in.”

-Anonymous Student 

The Common Ones

• People who accept your past and love you more for it.
• People who are willing to help others.
• People who have genuine emotions. 
• People who have a good balance between showing a genuine interest in things you like, even if they don’t like them, but also don’t impose their interests on you. 
• People who can do things around the house without being asked, regardless of gender norms.
• People who have discipline.
• People who have respect and kindness for all people.
• People who are protective of you but understand your boundaries and know when you need support.  “There will always be boundaries, whether it’s a joke or a standard. A partner having boundaries means they are working on something. If you have boundaries, those should also be respected.” – Anonymous Student
• People who will stand up for you with family or friends; they will take your side, but also let you know if you are wrong.
• People who understand themselves enough to also take care of another person. “Why would you date someone who doesn’t know who they are, where they are going, or have any drive? You can’t take care of another person if you can’t even take care of yourself.” – Anonymous Student
• People who have a plan for life. 
• People who can talk and work with kids. “For me personally, I want someone who can talk and work with kids and adults. Imagine you are walking down the street, and a little boy comes up and wants to give your significant other a high-five or tell them something, and they are rude or unresponsive.” – Anonymous Student
• People who have a life that’s not just you, but will make time for you. “LIFE IS BUSY. They can make time, but it doesn’t have to be with you 100% of the time.” – Anonymous Student
• People who work out or are active in some way. “Taking the time out of your day to get a little bit better is super respectable and something that’s kinda lost in today’s era.” – Anonymous Student

The Not-So-Common Ones

• People who like bowling. Why? Do I need a reason? It’s like the classiest date idea ever.
• People who give good gifts. *Not necessarily expensive or impressive gifts, but they get you things (or do things) that make you genuinely happy. Why? “It shows that they know what can and does make you smile and, if the best they can muster is Valentine’s Chocolates and Wal-Mart bouquets, then they need to get to know you better before they can claim to be a significant other. Reciprocity is so important in relationships (not just romantic ones).” – Anonymous Student
• People who hate the same things as you. Why? I mean, come on. Who doesn’t like yapping about things they hate?
• People who can cook. Why? “For women, I feel like it’s almost forced upon us to help out during holidays and things but, when a man learns to cook for himself (more than a Red Baron pizza), they’re showing that they care enough about themselves to learn something new, and if you aren’t a cook it’s so nice being with someone who is.” – Anonymous Student
• People who can do their own laundry. Why? “I am not your mother. Please learn how to take care of your stinky socks.” – Anonymous Student
• People who respect their exes as a human. Why? “It is so important that your partner can respect people they had a close relationship with because it shows genuine kindness.” -Anonymous Student
• Men who have a good relationship with their mom. Why? “Like, not so attached that they’re in ‘momma’s boy’ territory, but they appreciate her for what she does. I find that men like this will also appreciate the effort that you put into the relationship.” – Anonymous Student

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If you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed this extensive list. Remember that relationships are hard, so be easy on yourself and first give yourself kindness before making excuses for the person whose list of red flags is long and traumatizing enough to be a psychology major’s thesis. 

Love,

Cordia Paxson, The Pantheress

Disclaimer: It is often hard to tell how bad or good your relationships are just from firsthand experience, so getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services at counseling@pstcc.edu or call 865.694.6480 for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police at 865.694.6649, available 24/7. As a reminder, campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text “PSCCTIPS” to 67283 for an Anonymous Safety Tip.

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