- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: R. E. S. P. E. C. T.
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: The Iliad of Intolerance
By Cordia the Pantheress, Special to the Journal
A few weeks ago, I found myself in quite a predicament: two male students from a college athletic team reached out to me via social media. This might not sound odd, since they are students my age, and it is arguably normal for young adults to make friends over social media. I assumed it was perfectly normal as I accepted and added back the social media requests. At least, I thought things would be normal.
As I curiously conversed with these two guys, their questions and answers started to sound quite similar, and all the alarms in my head went off the second both of these guys I have never met asked me at the same time, “Are you single?” It didn’t take long for me to realize that they are close friends and most likely decided to bet on who would get a response from me first.
I found the whole situation curious, but honestly embarrassing. I thought these two guys might actually like me, but instead, I was part of an immature game – something I am sure most people experience at one point in their lives. After I got over the hurt and embarrassment, I pondered on the whole human behavior of the situation for days, and still am, to be quite honest. The thing that keeps running through my head is, “Why is it so hard just to tell someone you like them?” I mean, if Gen Z is anything, it is blunt. So why do matters of the heart cause such a conundrum?
Call me old-fashioned, but where did romance go in the 21st century? Passion? Heartbreak? Yearning? When did we resort to “Whatsup?”, “r u single?”, and “u look good.” It’s hard enough being a young adult; why make one more thing in our lives passionless?
To get to the bottom of this, we have to realize that feelings aren’t the problem; it’s how we approach them with respect and honesty. As a generation, we have to be willing to change our vocabulary to not just look for a hook-up or a fast “easy-to-get” situation, but to look for something truthful and enduring.
My solution? There is no shame in simply telling someone that you like them or that you think they are attractive. Instead of “Are you single,” let’s try “Hey, I think you are really (Insert positive adjective, i.e., nice, pretty, cute, sweet) and would love to get to know you. There is no pressure, but I was wondering if you are available to get to know each other better?” The use of the word “available” is vital. If they say “yes,” then you have your answer. That person is interested in getting to know you. If they say “no,” well then, it’s not really any of your business; they just aren’t available. So, really, you have nothing to lose.
Affairs of the heart are usually complicated. We feel deeply with no rhyme or reason, although maybe that unpredictability of emotional connection is the rhyme and the reason. We know feelings are complicated. Let’s simplify them. Both men and women deserve to feel valued and respected, regardless of whether it is a fling, a long-term relationship, or even a simple crush. Having feelings should never be the butt of someone’s jokes, the reason you awkwardly shy away from a chance of love, or why that one guy decides he can’t be alone with you after you admit you used to have a crush.
When we add humanity and compassion back into the situation, things start to become clearer. My situation could have gone many different ways and could have ended with a happier ending if I had been treated with a little respect. Yes. R. E. S. P. E. C. T. My personal belief is that we have slowly started to lose the art of respecting one another. At the root of all healthy relationships, regardless of how you define them, is respect. If we can’t learn to respect each other’s feelings and be honest with each other, then we are marching right to the end of true relationships.
My experience, though embarrassing, was also eye-opening. It reminded me that while we can’t control how others act, we can set the standard for how we choose to show up in our own situations. If we want real relationships, we have to start by bringing back respect for ourselves and for others. Because without it, we aren’t just losing romance, we’re losing the very foundation of what makes love worth pursuing in the first place. Sounds like Aretha Franklin was right, “All I’m askin’ is for a little respect.”
Disclaimer: On the flip side, my situation could have also ended even worse. Yes, it was embarrassing, and I was left with a slightly bruised ego, but it overall ended up okay because I talked to someone. Psychologists have yet to fully understand the power emotions hold, so getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support.
If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services at counseling@pstcc.edu or call 865.694.6480 for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police at 865.694.6649, available 24/7. Reminder that campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text “PSCCTIPS” to 67283 for an Anonymous Safety Tip.
Love,
Cordia
***This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. I am not a licensed therapist or doctor.***
