Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: Cordia…He’s Just Not Into You

By Cordia Paxton

After last week’s submission (which you can read here), I started really thinking about the infamous “situationship” that the greater population is finding itself fighting these days. The word situationship first began being used in the early 2000s and, after gaining enough traction, it was added to Urban Dictionary in 2014. Today, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines “Situationship” as “an informal romantic or sexual relationship.” 

I recently got out of the worst situationship of my life. And while it still feels a little raw, I am mostly just fed up with trying to find a healthy relationship. It sounds and feels very pessimistic coming from someone who has always lived life as a hopeless romantic. But more on that later, since I know you’re just dying to hear the nitty-gritty of what happened with me and this man-child I’ll call Connor. 

Connor first followed me on Instagram about two and a half months ago. Being a pretty private person on socials, I usually don’t let random people follow me if I don’t already know them, but something about Connor felt different (there’s that hopeless romantic in me), and I accepted his request and followed him back. 

A few hours later, Connor sent me a DM. Just a casual “hello, I think you are stunning,” and I was sold. He asked for my snap, explaining that he was worried asking for my number would be “too much, too fast.” Giving it to him was my first rookie mistake, but we spent the first two weeks snapping and talking whenever we could. 

He planned a date as soon as we were both available, and the date seemed to be going well (outside of him showing up in gym clothes). I still can’t quite pinpoint exactly where it started going downhill, but about a month after our first date, I couldn’t get him to make plans with me.

Now I know you are probably thinking, “Cordia…he’s just not into you,” and I too would have thought that if he had given me any reason to believe it. He was still talking to me like he was interested, telling me that he thought I was beautiful, that he liked me, and wanted to spend time with me. He just couldn’t because he was busy. And busy he was… busy playing golf and wasting my time. After the fourth canceled date, I was over it. 

I keep going back and forth about blocking him, and I probably should; I just can’t bring myself to do it. Either way, it’s not like he’s reaching out to me, and I refuse to waste one more moment of my life on him. I thought that going no contact would be the hardest part, but I’ve realized it’s harder to sit knowing that he is not going to reach out and that I really mean nothing to him after almost three months of promises. 

So, why am I telling you all this? Because we all go through this. And if you haven’t before, consider yourself one of the very, very lucky few. Situationships puzzle me. I find my thoughts circling round and round until I am right back at the start, confused about why we think treating people this way is okay.

It’s not just women who go through this too. I have a few male friends who have expressed the same frustrations. One of my friends, a student here at Pellissippi State Community College, has made a point in conversation about this topic that when other guys treat women like this, women end up not being able to trust the guys who want to treat them right, and the cycle just continues. 

When asking around campus about how this has impacted people, another friend of mine stated, “To put it simply, it is relationship energy between two people without relationship clarity. For the most part, they are inconsistent. Nothing is promised, yet everything feels implied. Love without clarity creates anxiety. And in my opinion, either you define it, or you leave it. It’s either love, or it isn’t. And whether it is or it isn’t needs to be clarified pretty early on in the talking stage. Otherwise, it could leave the other party feeling hurt.” 

I think an important thing to remember when you find yourself on the hurt side of a situationship is that there is a reason that when you combine the words situation and relationship, the relation part disappears. Because that is the truth of this pandemic of bad romance: there is no connection between the two parties.

While I can’t provide you with much advice if you enjoy putting others in this position, besides “get therapy,” I can console and provide a few words of wisdom to those of you who have been wounded by this selfish behavior. 

One of my closest friends tells me, “Situationships never lead to relationships.” If a relationship is what you seek, save yourself the heartbreak and stay far, far away from situationships. “But Cordia, he’s so pretty! And so sweet!” Listen to me. We have all been victims of pretty, seemingly sweet men. A person who wants you will be available, will make time for you, and will create clarity, not confusion. 

So, I am not perfect (clearly). I struggle with relationships as much as the next person; that’s why I created Dear Cordia. To give people the space to relate to mistakes and frustrations alike. We are all more similar than you think.

Love,

Cordia Paxson

Disclaimer: Heartbreak hurts and can be dangerous when not dealt with properly. Getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services at counseling@pstcc.edu or call 865.694.6480 for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police at 865.694.6649, available 24/7. As a reminder, campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text “PSCCTIPS” to 67283 for an Anonymous Safety Tip.

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