- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: R. E. S. P. E. C. T.
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: The Iliad of Intolerance
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: Brave Boundaries
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: No Place Like Home for the Holidays?
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: The Twisted Game of Red Light Green Light
- Dear Cordia, an Imaginary Gardens Advice Column: It’s Not You, It’s Me
By Cordia Paxson, The Pantheress
* Disclaimer: If you are in an unsafe situation, please seek help or safety. This article is intended to advise on common situations and is not intended to address extreme circumstances like abuse, stalking, assault, or others.
I was 15 going on 16 when I experienced my first breakup. Not only was I faced with the heartbreak and loss of a first relationship but, like many of us living and loving in the twenty-first century, it was a text message riddled with unnecessary (dare I say, confusing) excuses. It is a pet peeve of mine, people not having the guts to say what they mean to the person they supposedly loved. In hindsight, I was 15 and it was a seven-month relationship; neither one of us really knew how to end things.
By my second breakup, I really wished someone had written a playbook for how to actually end a relationship and deal with the heartbreak, especially when it was one you thought would last forever. So, with my experiences as a “break-up-ee” and a “break-up-er” in mind, in an attempt to heal my 15-year-old self, and hopefully provide you with some words of wisdom on this topic, here is my how-to:
Step One: How to Know When to Let Go
This might be the trickiest step of them all. The first thing I would encourage you to do, whether you are breaking up with someone, getting broken up with, or breaking up mutually, is to remind yourself that to love and be loved is a privilege (emphasis on both the past and present tense). Never take your relationship for granted. One thing that is hopefully prominent in most relationships is at least a hint of love in some form or fashion. Getting to know what love is, in all aspects of the word, is one of the most powerful human experiences.
The next thing you have to do is to take the relationship at face value. It is so easy to focus on the good or the bad, but to actually grow from your experience, you have to see it for what it really is or was. A good tip here (that is going to sound cliché) is to write out a pro/con list. Getting your good and bad feelings down on paper can really help you visualize the truth of the situation. Similarly, if your feelings are too big to handle, write a letter. This letter never has to be received by the other party but writing down your feelings as if you were addressing the situation head-on is a great way to clear the fog of raw emotion.
Give yourself space. Space does two things: it gives you the mental clarity to do the two steps above as you make your decision and also shows both parties what they are missing or gaining from the space – the second being around them is harder than being apart, you know for sure that the “best-by date” has expired and it’s time to move on.
Step Two: How to End Things
It is time to have that tough conversation. While I can’t give you case-specific steps for this one, I can give you some general guidelines to follow, starting with: get face-to-face. No matter which end of the breakup you are on, getting sent a text or left a voicemail is a slap to the face of the entire experience of a relationship. I know it can be scary to get right in front of something that is causing you hurt, but trust me when I say you will be better off healing from a broken relationship with a clear mind, knowing you did the respectful thing by giving an important conversation your full attention and greatest effort.
Be honest. Everyone knows that saying of “it’s not you, it’s me.” I am going to hold your hand while I say this; Don’t be that person. We all know it is a lie, and there is an actual reason the relationship is coming to an end. Do yourself and this generation a favor and be honest with yourself and the other party about your feelings.
Last but certainly not least, speak with kindness. Ending a relationship is a big deal and can be super emotional. It’s important to keep in mind that words do hurt and have a lasting impact on how people view themselves. Never lie just to “be nice,” but keep in mind that who you are talking to is a human deserving of basic kindness, regardless of what has transpired.
Step Three: How To Move On
The last thing you are probably going to want to know is how to actually move on. Well, I hate to break it to you, but tears are good. Not only does it mean that your sensory system is regulating your emotions but that the relationship mattered to you. Allow yourself to experience all of the feelings in a safe environment. Bottling it up and saving it for later isn’t going to help you successfully move on, even if it feels safer in the moment.
Get outside of your living space. After a few days to a week of sitting in a melancholy slump (maybe eating a ton of ice cream), I encourage you to get out there. It doesn’t have to be crazy, but go out with friends, see a movie, take a walk, anything that gets you away from the ice cream and outside of your bedroom. Getting a breath of fresh air is good for both the body and the soul and will slowly start to heal what hurts from the outside in.
I can say all I want about letting yourself cry and actually leaving your bedroom, but nothing will actually heal what hurts unless you give yourself time. It is not going to just magically stop hurting, but over a period of time and with a combination of tears, ice cream, maybe a bit of journaling, and new adventures, it will slowly but surely hurt less day by day, until one day you wake up and realize how much you’ve grown from things that used to hurt you.
Love,
Cordia Paxson
Disclaimer: Heartbreak hurts and can be dangerous when not dealt with properly. Getting support from friends, family, or a counselor when navigating relationships is vital. This article is for general informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional counseling or crisis support. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, emotional distress, or feel you may need counseling, please reach out to the Pellissippi State Counseling Services at counseling@pstcc.edu or call 865.694.6480 for support. If you are in immediate crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 to connect with help right away. Additionally, if you are in an unsafe situation, please call the Pellissippi State Campus Police at 865.694.6649, available 24/7. As a reminder, campus police encourage students to add this number to phone contacts in the case of an emergency. You can also text “PSCCTIPS” to 67283 for an Anonymous Safety Tip.
